Simplicity

I may not look the part, but I feel that deep down inside I am a very simple person. Not simple minded but simple hearted. I don't desire to be the best, the most outstanding or whatever. I just want to do what I can and that's all. And I like being simple hearted; being too complex, making things too complex makes no sense to me.
I like the simple pleasures in life; reading a good book, enjoying good weather, hanging out with friends, having a good laugh, eating good food.
I guess I hope that with my simple heart comes along a certain sense of innocence, something childlike-ness that I hope to keep for the rest of my life. I hope not to grow too cynical, to be unable to enjoy simple things.
Well, just a thought. Young people try so hard to act grown up, by claiming that they want freedom and whatnot but they do not understand that there are responsibilities involved. And what does that say about them? They are not mature enough to handle freedom!
What I say? Enjoy being childlike, enjoy the simple times, enjoy life. Simple times go by fast and once your life is complicated by things, simplicity is hard to come by again. So, here's to simplicity...

Here they come, the beautiful ones.

Here they come, the beautiful ones, the beautiful ones...
So, I wonder how many people actually really like how they look? I, for one, am extremely insecure about my looks. Sometimes I suspect I suffer from face and body dysmorphic disorder. Hahaha. Okay, slightly melodramatic but truth is, sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel that I am average (average means 5/10, not 6 or 7 out of 10 as some mathematically challenged folk like to describe themselves) and yet at other times I honestly can't stand looking at myself in the mirror.
And perhaps this extreme self consciousness translates to how I relate to people. I hardly look people in the eye, and if not for my marvellous coping techniques, I would be painfully shy. Coping techniques like laughing at myself, making jokes and acting like I just don't care. People who don't know me that well may think I am comfortable in my own skin and that I am quite confident. But often, the happiest people, the loudest people are quite self conscious deep down inside; it's all just a cover up!
Oh well, just a thought I had. Today, someone told me something that sort of struck the nail on the head. 'People with floppy fringes use their fringes to cover their face because they want to hide their face.' And the final nail in the coffin. 'You are hiding behind your glasses and fringe because you are insecure.' That sort of is the truth. I do think that I have a lot to be insecure about and I am saying this not to look for affirmation, just what I feel.
And also, I have always wondered what goes on in the minds of those who are truly good looking and there is no doubt about it. Do they think that they are better than the rest of us mere mortals? Or are they even more insecure about their looks? Or are they so comfortable with themselves that they are quietly confident and self assured? How is life as a beautiful one? I would never know.

Just a curious thought. Would you want something that can withstand abuse and keep working or you want something that is delicate but intricately made? Just wondering. Recently, okay, not too recent, I had this thought of buying things because they are supposedly built to last and last and last. So I can splurge on just one item and keep it for life! Hahaha. In the past, I used to go for exclusivity and whatnot but never functionality. That explains the mountain of unused stuff in my room.
So recently I got this cool awesome G-Shock (thanks Kev!!!), which by the way brings back memories of the 90s when I got my first one. It has since disintegrated and turned into dust. :P But G-Shock was the ultimate cool accessory at that time. (that was technology and the like for you. No PSP, Nintendo Wii and all that thingamajigs and newfangled young whippersnapper stuff... *shake my walking stick*)
So anyway, to do a comparision of my two newest watches which are supposed to last me a lifetime (or at least until I earn loads of money that I can spend like water). My Seiko and my G-Shock. One is a mid-range dress watch that has technology that is oh-so-cool (it's charged kinetically by the movements of your life. It STORES your life movements! Even little ones! =P) while the other is a workhorse that can withstand 'the abuse that only you can give' and is oh-so-macho! One represents the intricately made 'My sole function is to look good' side while the other is 'I can take on the world' bravado.
I find myself quite 'sayang-ing' the Seiko because it is pricier and more fragile while on the other side of the spectrum I wore my G-Shock on the third day I got it for paintball (which by the way was awesomely the most awesomest awesome thing)! But somehow, the G-Shock appeals to me more for daily wear, as a student without too big a need to impress. Every time I wear the Seiko, I am so worried about scratches and knocks. But I can't wear a G-Shock to high class events (not that I am always invited to or frequent high class events). Hmmm.
So... Cheap and good versus this classy appeal thing. Hmmm. I guess both have their functions and attractiveness and are used in different occasions. But guess what? I came up with the perfect solution. I will wear one on each wrist! So, if you want a touch of class, look at my left hand. If you want to punch me, I can use my right hand to block off the blow! Perfect! Hahaha. Thank God for giving us 2 wrists! I know why now! =P

Teach me.

Teach me, how to love and how to be loved,
To be as wise as a serpent and meek like a dove.
To be strong as a lion but also a gentle lamb,
To know what to let flow and what to dam.
Teach me to be unafraid and oh-so bold,
Refine me in the fire, just like purified gold.
Wash me clean, white like pristine snow.
Strengthen me, my spirit, body and soul.
Teach me to look not to the left nor right,
Make me a peacekeeper who knows when to fight.
But most of all, on top of everything and right above,
Teach me first, how to love and how to be loved.

Reflection

Sometimes I seriously doubt whether I can feel happiness at all. It's almost as if I am shut down to positive feelings. I feel angry, frustration, disappointment and sadness. But I think I am closed up to joy, happiness and love. Perhaps I am too hard on myself. Perhaps I feel that I am not worth it. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Light dispels the darkness but a black hole sucks in light. It feels like a black hole in my heart, and it hurts so good. Pain is addictive right? Don't be fooled, still waters run deep. Sometimes beneath the calm, mirror-like surface seethes a churning maelstrom. So one would never know what he might encounter. Just because you can see my surface doesn't mean that you know me. And I do think that I am a good actor; not that kind who entertains but one who masks my feelings real well. Argh! I don't even know what I am saying anymore! And trust me, I am not this emotional in real life! :D But my blog is just a place to vent and to express. In real life, I am not all gloom and doom. I would like to think of myself as sunny and chirpy! Hahaha. Two faced? Perhaps. Multiple personalities? Maybe. Putting on a mask? Most likely. Which is the real me? An amalgamation I guess.

Alone

Have you ever realised that sometimes when you are out alone in a crowd, you discover things about yourself? I realised today that something that I said I never like to do suddenly seemed quite attractive to me. At least in small dosages. That thing is....... Shopping! Hahaha! I used to think that shopping with someone else was the way to go and that only lonely hearts shopped alone. But I have proven myself wrong. There is 'a feeling of liberation and relief', to quote a song. I can walk as fast as I like, go wherever I want and do the things I want to do!
Oh, and another thing I discovered, I am such an impulse buyer when I am shopping alone! Within an hour, I got a North Face backpack (Big Shot in sea anemone green, if anyone is interested :P) and an adidas hoodie for the new school term! Hahaha. But those are items that I want and have been looking around for a long time so it's not exactly impulse right? :P Trying to justify myself here. I think I suffer from PPGS, Post Purchase Guilt Syndrome. Usually though, I will mull over things that I want to buy until people around get irritated. (Ask Fluddy and my mum!) But when I am alone, somehow I can just buy! Hahaha. Oh well, got to protect myself from me.

So finally, the gruelling summer semester is over. Feel like I ran a marathon at sprinting speed. Just awaiting the results now. Perhaps a week from now? I hate waiting. I hate uncertainty too! Hahaha. And research claims that Singapore is the least adverse to uncertainty!
Anyway, was involved in like 3 near accidents today. In the span of a few hours. That is some scary stuff. Keeping a safe distance and braking early is good for your health. :P
Okay, random random. I am tired but it seems like a waste to go to sleep now. Weird, I know. Wow. People use their blogs to talk about freedom of speech, the press and all the serious and important things and I am here talking about such mundane stuff! Is this a waste of cyberspace or what?