My confession

Alright.. Here goes.. I have a confession to make. I started thinking about it recently and I decided to reveal all! I am going to tell everyone out there that I love................................ PAIN!!! Yes, pain! The one thing we all want to avoid, that we don't like, that we run away from. Pain, the thing that makes us cry.. Hahaha.. I just like the feeling of an aching body just after a good workout. It's like.. a reminder that my 1 hour was not in vain. Although I am still far from my ideal body composition and weight, I still like the feeling of pain I get from my amateur workouts.. Oh well., it could just be a justification for myself that I can give in to my cravings and eat rubbish and tell myself that I deserve it after a hard workout.. Hahaha..

If only

If only..

I were more talented;
I were better looking;
I were more eloquent;
I were more secure;
I were not so fat;
I were wittier;
I were more interesting;
I were smarter;
I were a better person;
I were not so emotional;
I were bolder;
I were of stronger character;
I could say it like it is;
I could sing like an angel;
I could dance with abandon
I could run like the wind;
I could touch the sky when I jump;
I could open up my heart;
I could let people in;

I wouldn't be me now, would I?

Do you know what it feels like, to be pulled and pushed at the same time? To know that something cannot be and yet wanting something out of it? To want to cut something off and yet want to hold on to it? Is it for self validation? To feel good about yourself? What does that say about you? Is your ego malnourished? Are you insecure? Do you need constant approval? Do you even like yourself? Are you a perfectionist in certain things and yet a slob in other? Do you cover your interior with exterior things that distract? Do you laugh at yourself so hard so that other people can't laugh at hard at you? Do you appear self assured and confident to mask how you really are in the inside? What are you?

Ignorance is bliss or knowledge is power? Two contrasting views, each with the power to change your life. To remain ignorant about some things would make life that much simpler, that much easier to go through. But then again, you lose out on the fullness of what life has to offer. Opening yourself up to knowledge on the other hand, is a road of no return. Once you could claim ignorance; now you possess knowledge that you can never return and acting or not acting upon this knowledge is your own responsibility, no outside forces involved. So, the simple life (no reference to that dumb Paris Hilton show) or live in the totality of what life has to offer, the good, the bad and the ugly. To grab life by the horns or to retain an innocence in your life. Which do you prefer? Life is complicated, that is a fact. But how complicated would you make it? How much naive-ness (is there such a word even?) would you want to have in your life? To have a sense of wonder in this world or be a hardboiled cynic?

I am saying all these things because I realised that having an American education has its perks and shortfalls. My eyes are opened to so many things that I feel that I am on the verge of serious cynicism. Critical thinking can do that to a person. And yet, I realised that the world is not as simple as I previously thought it was. It's one of those good-bad things. Being naive is not a good thing; and yet thinking everything to the bone is not a good thing either. What I say? Don't be foolish but yet be able to stop and smell the roses.. And not dissect the smell into different kinds of chemicals and purposes and whatnot. Easier said that done though. I remember something I once wrote for an essay that was plagarized by my classmate in JC, 'Balance is the pole in this tightrope called life.'

And I just realised that I like things to be simple; I like my life to get more and more simple; more and more clutter free; less and less attention grabbing as I grow older. Sometimes, I just wish that I have just a few worldly possessions. A pair of jeans (or two?), plain tee shirts, a jacket, a nice watch, unlimited clean underwear and socks, all stuffed into a well made bag and I can carry my possessions everywhere with me and I would need nothing more. I used to think that the more I have, the better I will be. But now, I feel that the lesser I have, the better off I will be, provided that the little things that I have are of excellent quality. Oh, how carefree life would be. Oh, and one thing that I want more of, is the significant figures in my bank account. :) That's the only thing I guess that I DON'T MIND having more of.

Sometimes I do feel that I can get very judgemental and critical. I admit that this is one of my many flaws but sometimes I just can't stand people rant about things that they do not know. I can't stand people who do not have a nice dress sense talking about how other people dress. I can't stand people who are not the best looking people around talking down on other people's looks. I can't stand people who are in worse shape than you talking about how you look. I can't stand people who romanticize everything and think that life is a bed of roses. I can't stand people who has had the world handed to them on a silver platter and still complain about anything and everything. I can't stand insufferable know it alls. I can't stand self proclaimed deep thinkers. I can't stand people who rant about stuff they can't stand. I can't stand judgemental and critical people. I can't stand....... myself??? Wow.. An epiphany! I can't stand people who think that they got an epiphany.. :P